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->because I can’t think of a nice title for this random post of mine..

Ngayon lang ulit ako magbo-blog in Tagalog (or Taglish).  Madalas ko ‘tong gawin dati sa Multiply account ko. Puro kwento lang. Medyo nawalan na nga dati ng silbi yung journal ko kasi dun lang ako nagkekwento ng mga kung anu-anong nangyayari sa buhay ko, lalo na nung college student pa ko.

Hmm. Feeling ko ngayon hindi ako basta-basta makapagshare online. Ayokong magpost sa Facebook ko– masyadong maraming tao dun; halos lahat ng mga kakilala ko in real life ay nandoon. Ayoko rin namang magpost masyado sa Twitter– andun naman ang kapatid ko T_T. Sa Google+, medyo hindi rin; though hindi kasingdami ng FB friends ko ang andun eh ayoko pa rin (nandun din pala ang kapatid ko, haha).

Eh ano nga ba ang silbi ng blog kung hindi gagamitin as a sharing medium..?

Madalas gusto kong mapag-isa.

Maybe that’s one of my reasons kaya ayokong magpost or magshare online. Naninibago siguro yung mga kakilala ko ngayon sa akin, kasi ako yung naaaaaaapakadaldal sa social media. But then, dumating yung point of realization sa akin na walang saysay yung mga kwento, shinshare  and/or pinopost ko. And, medyo naniniwala na rin ako sa quote na ‘to na madalas kong nakikita sa G+ : “Be careful who you open up to. Only a few people actually care; the rest are just curious.

Madalas gusto kong mapag-isa. Kapag nasa isang lugar ako na kasama ang mga kakilala ko, tahimik lang ako.

Maybe it’s because I think that I don’t have something to offer as “newsworthy,” like what’s happening in my life. My life is nothing but uninteresting. This I think as a second and third person point-of-view. I’ve already accepted that fact.

You may find this blog post as something less of a motivation. “Pero Christian ka diba?” Oo naman. Puro faith-powered nga ang previous posts ko.

Being a Christian is not like wearing a set of clothes today then change them tomorrow, whatever will fit the season or occasion. Umulan (or bumagyo) man o umaraw, Kristiyano pa rin tayo. Sa gitna ng kasaganahan at kahirapan, Kristiyano pa rin. It’s not a costume.

Sabi dati ng isang elder namin sa church, kahit may problema, laging ngumiti, para hindi makita ng kaaway na naghihirap ka sa sitwasyon mo (something like that). Her point is smile amidst problems and struggles. Yes, that’s a good thing to do. Pero minsan para sa akin, hindi ko kayang magkunyari sa sarili ko. Kelangan ko pa rin namang maipakita na nalulungkot din ako. Hindi ako palaging masaya. Sabi nga ng kanta ni Mr. Pure Energy Gary V., “Cause deep inside this armor, a warrior is a child.

Gusto kong mapag-isa at pumunta sa bundok, doon magmuni-muni. Alam nyo yung madalas na dahilan ng mga artista ngayon na merong pinagdadaanan? “I have to find myself..” Haha. Linya ko rin yan. Cliche, pero that’s what it is. You can only understand that if you have experienced it yourself. May mga panahon sa buhay natin na nawawala ang sarili nating katinuan, well hindi naman sa nagiging ‘baliw,’ pero nagkakaroon ng conflict sa loob natin. There’s a war inside of us, and it seems that we can’t find the peace in this congested atmosphere. We need to stop with our everyday lives, to be alone, and to be in a place where no one knows us. Sabi ko nga dati gusto ko pumunta sa lugar na walang WiFi connection.

In this season, I have nothing to offer. I don’t have wild adventures to tell; neither do I have love stories to share. I don’t have an interesting status in life. Even money, I don’t have. I can’t give some pretty inspiration now, because I myself need one, too.

I envy people who are unafraid to take risks. It’s because they’re strong. Malakas loob nila.

Sabi dito sa nabasa kong blog from desiringgod.org, “In God’s economy, our weakness is one of our greatest assets.” Nai-devotion ko dati ang 1 Corinthians 1:26-29– “God chose things the world considers foolish in order to shame those who think they are wise. And he chose things that are powerless to shame those who are powerful… As a result, no one can ever boast in the presence of God (vv.27, 29 NLT). This gives me hope, and a constant reminder that no one can really boast and say to God, “I’ve done this” or any success stories. But, because I keep on comparing myself to other successful Christians, no matter how I let my mind and heart agree to the verse, I still can’t see how God would be able to use me.

Maybe the problem is just in me, or me, after all. I’m in this season of waiting, and I’m in a spiritual roller coaster. I had faith, then I doubted, then came back again to believing, then disbelieved. In the darkness of my night, of my hopelessness, and eventually falling into sin, God asked me, “Masaya ka ba sa ginagawa mo?” (“Are you happy with what you are doing?”) I ignored it, then He added, “I love you.

I always cry whenever I come to the Lord. Weep of bitterness. Weep of brokenness. Weep of hopelessness. Weep of shame. I always cry because of my incapabilities and weaknesses. Of my incompetence. I know God is working in my season of loneliness and waiting, but what hurts is that I can’t see anything unraveling concerning my problem. But Job said:

Look, I go forward, but He is not there,
And backward, but I cannot perceive Him;
When He works on the left hand, I cannot behold Him;
When He turns to the right hand, I cannot see Him.
But He knows the way that I take;
When He has tested me, I shall come forth as gold. –Job 23:8-10

I just need to have more faith, more trust, and hope in the Lord. He is much more capable of everything I could imagine. And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28). Whoever you are reading this, please pray for me. God bless, and thank you.

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